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I’ve had a realization; sure adventurism and tall-tales of exploring and starting over (or whatever other epiphanies) all sounded cool at the beginning of the year.  But they are all bull shit.

Because new sucks.

Okay, I’ve vented and now I can start rationalizing my way through this anxiety that’s looming like a cloud of brimstone and puppy death.

I start a new job tomorrow, which is cool to tell people.  I even got a title so sick it makes you want to throw your food up. – Lil Wayne.

Seriously, it’s a great opportunity and I’m stoked to get this show on the road, except for one thing.  Being the new person on a job might be at the abysmal bottom of destination fucked.

Because you know what being new in a work place means?  It means you’ll essentially forget how operate as a human being.  I still remember being new at Wendy’s when I was in high school.  My first job, you see?  And one of the first things they made me do at my first job was wash dishes.  There was this nifty three vat sink, the first one with soapy water, the second with normal water, and the third with sanitizer solution.  They were nice enough to explain to 15-year old me the order that you wash them in.  Left to right.

Know what my stupid ass asked next?

“So you just, kinda, dip the dishes in the water?”

As if washing dishes were some sort of cutting edge thought.

And I’ve had more jobs than most people my age, which means that I’ve also had a bountiful amount of opportunities to get good at being new – and I would even go as far as to say that I have gotten pretty stellar at navigating the uncharted waters of ‘what the fuck.’

Yet every time, it feels like the worse possible thing to ever happen to me.

For context, I was crossing the street today and as per usual on the East Coast, a car almost slammed into me attempting to make a right during a red light.  Except this time, instead of getting mad, I was ready to throw open my arms and greet death as an old friend.

This is exactly why I tell people that I’m a closet introvert because this murky procrustean pool of social anxiety is filling my being with a black ichor of awkward oscitant stupidity where I’ll surely drown.

*takes a bow*

Honestly, I wish I had the confidence of President Trump for a couple of weeks.

But the truth is (and this is just me trying to make myself feel better) the worry is actually irrational.  And in my experience of being new at other work places, or just at anything in general, I’ve come to discover a few truths.

  • People aren’t Monsters – This is my optimism showing, but for the most part in my experience people get that you’re new.  And whilst being the new person, co-workers are often unrealistically nice to you.  The honeymoon of workplace small talk, if you will.
  • There’s a lot of wiggle room to screw up – I don’t think I’ve ever started a job where the company put me in a position where I could truly fuck things, irreparably.  Well, actually, when I interned at an advertising media company in college one of my supervisors told me that a mistake could cost in the upwards of six hundred thousand.  But there were a lot of people looking over my shoulder to make sure that such a thing wouldn’t happen.  So realistically, short of burning the place down, I think companies put you where you’re qualified and make sure you don’t wreck the ship.
  • Small Talk – Really, small talk is the worst part of being new.  Because everyone there knows each other and they’re all just trying to get a feel for you, but you can’t just come out and ask someone if they’ve ever done doggy style.  So there’s this period of building context and inside jokes with … well everyone in the work place.
  • There’s Always a Veera – Ever worked with someone who comes in and literally causes cataclysmic dysfunction that the entire team has to work around?  Like the human manifestation of a fuck up that the company won’t fire because of whatever, that everyone sort of just deals with?  For me that person will forever have a name from one of my previous jobs, and I genuinely hated her god damn guts and her name was Veera.  And as if the universe has some sort of ironic comedy to it, I’ve found that there’s always a Veera at every job and it’s just something you deal with and then day drink because of later.
  • Routine Will Come – The most stressful thing about a new job, I think, is that it’s all unknown until you start.  There’s no commonality or reference points so it’s like walking in pitch darkness with a very dim flash light hoping you don’t fall and eat some serious shit.  And routine is the essence of a comfort zone.  But eventually you find it again, even if the job itself is malleable.  Maybe you find it in the commute to and from work; or the people you work with; or even in the fact that the work does change so much.  Whether it’s a comfort zone or just a mind space, I think eventually you get the hang of it.

And obviously, by ‘you’ I mean me.  Cause really I’m talking to myself the most here.


Dear Diary,

Day one is tomorrow and I just don’t know.  But mama ain’t raise no punk.