So in the last couple of weeks I’ve watched my life flash before my eyes, so to speak, twice. Not that anything overly dramatic happened, but I ask that you hold your judgment until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes, ya know?
The first incident involved me waking up in a pool of my own blood.
Well, actually that’s not entirely true.
Let’s step back. So I’m half-asleep and I keep noticing that my nose is runny. Like I can’t seem to sniff enough to get comfortable so that I can fall back into my slumbers, right? So! I decide the only way to solve this dilemma is to snot rocket everything out of my face.
I reach around blindly in the dark for a tissue, or napkin, or whatever really so I can make this quick and get back to sleep. And then I empty the barrels.
But somethings wrong, I notice. Fluid is still coming out. So I flip on the light and that’s when I realize that I’m bleeding everywhere.
Mind you, I’m drearily waking up to see my own blood permeating the scenery of my bed?
Between us, the bitch came out of me.
I know what you’re thinking.
Dude… Haven’t you ever had a nose bleed before?
And the answer is yes. Just one. In life, I’ve had two nose bleeds and they have both been absolutely terrifying.
I almost wrecked my car for the first one.
Anyway, my initial thought was that I had somehow had a fluke period and that my uterus was oozing blood from my vagina. (Fact check, I have no idea how vaginas work.) Of course I’m a guy, so I quickly ruled that out.
My second thought was, perhaps I had been stabbed in my sleep. My roommates Asian and I’m black, so maybe there’s some ancient drama that he was fulfilling his duty to? Again unlikely. We’re pretty tight, so I feel like he’d let me know if he intended to kill me.
So I gradually started regaining my faculties and I touched my face and realized that I had either been shot in the head or had a nose bleed. Since I felt no pain, I went with the latter.
What’s weird is that I was actually in a pretty good position prior, my pillow cases were black – and the random towel that I had grabbed to blow my nose was also black. So everything worked out rather well, aside from believing I was inches from death.
Okay but the second instance was completely my fault.
This incident touched upon my other great fear; water. Because I kid you not, I almost drowned in the shower.
Yes, yes, I know it’s particularly hard to drown in the shower because there’s not enough water present. But if you shut the hell up for a second I’ll explain.
So you know that thing women do in the commercials where they splash their faces clean?
Actually, that seems like a really psychopath way to go about cleaning your face outside of a bath tub, but hey it’s what sells makeup I guess.
So anyway, I was doing that. But somehow I fucked up the dynamics here and right as I was splashing my face I took a pretty generous breath and basically inhaled all the water that my two palms could hold.
Might be the stupidest thing I’ve done in 2016.
Let me tell you, it went from zero to a hundred real quick.
I’m glad my roommate wasn’t home because the guttural choking sound I made could’ve only sounded like some reptilian creature from the nether realms.
I called out for God in a voiceless gasp.
And then started an epic fit of coughing for like the next three minutes.
It didn’t help that my shampoo was now dripping from my hair into my eyes burning the everliving right out of my sockets. Essentially my soul floated out of my body in those brief moments, looked back down on my naked semblance and said,
Dude what the hell?
It’s sobering thinking you’re about to die. Really makes you ignore the little things that are stressing you out. Like, I absolutely didn’t care that our next President is going to be Donald Trump or that California’s probably going to break off of the continent soon.
We should all nearly drown in the shower every once in awhile!