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So let me start by saying I’m proud of myself cause I kept my adult-like cool in a situation where I could have very easily punched this old bitch in the throat for coming at me sideways.


Let’s jump right into it.

First of all, I’m just getting off of work.  Which makes the whole thing that much more annoying because you know what the end of any long day needs?  A car wreck.

I hesitate to actually call it a car wreck because nothing really got wrecked.  In fact, let me explain.  So I’m driving correct?  I’ve pulled into my neighborhood.  Yes, that’s how close I was to being home.  Literally in my own god damned neighborhood.

One of my neighbors has chosen this fine day to host a garage sale, which is all fine.  But it means that there are cars parked in the street.


Now that picture serves dual purpose because it’s both the scene of the wreck and an illustration of why it happened.  As you can see, it wasn’t exactly a final destination worthy collision.


Here’s what happened.  As I was squeezing my car through the two cock sucker cars parked on the street, homegirl decides: “NOW!”  And throws open her door as I’m passing her car.

In Driver’s Ed, one of the lessons was how quick things can happen.  So in the driving simulator, one of the scenes was a kid suddenly running out in front of your car.  The test was simple.  If you managed to hit the breaks or dodge the kid, you pass.  If you murdered the kid, you failed.

So I’ve been trained for this.

Realistically, the way I see it there were three options.  Option A) say fuck it, and just murder this whore in cold blood by running through her and her car door.  Option B) jerk the wheel and risk side-swiping the adjacent car who really was uninvolved in the whole affair – as I could possibly lose control of the vehicle with such a sudden move in such limited space.  Or option C) moderate and controlled maneuver to avoid killing homegirl, but perhaps not getting completely clear of her car.

I initiate evasive maneuver C.

There’s contact.

Now, looking back on it all, I’m proud of myself cause it was the slickest swerve ever with realistically no time to react.  I felt like Spiderman.


So like I said, there’s contact.  Know what it was?  My mirror hit the side of her open car door.  Obviously I stop the car.  In my head, this is all her fault.  But it happened real fast, so I should stay cool and just get out and see if she’s okay.

I step out of the car.

“Are you insane!  What do you think you were doing!  You were flying!  This is a neighborhood!”

This lady is yelling at me as I’m opening the door.  Have you ever felt the emotion what-the-fuck?  As a sort of ethereal experience, like I imagine being slain in the spirit must feel.


I was momentarily speechless.  So instead of blowing the lid off this thing, I just kind of walked past her and started taking pictures of the scene with my phone.  She keeps yelling at me as I’m doing so, and then I guess kind of realizes that it’s a smart move to take pictures so she starts doing the same thing, still yelling mind you.

Eventually, I finally respond to her.

“You realize this is a road right?  Like, where cars drive?  Cause it’s a road?”

Not my most poetic rebut, but brevity is the soul of wit my friends.

So now she’s going ape shit and I’m walking off to take pictures of my own car.  I know it was the mirror that hit because it folded into the car, defensive position.

She calls the cops.  Which is good, cause I wasn’t about to have that argument with her.

Immediately, I get into my car and start texting one of my friends to run through the scenario and work on my defense.  Cause I read somewhere that it’s good to playground bully test your arguments before you argue them.

It’s like 20 or 30 minutes before the cop shows up because I guess if you’re not dying they send the officer who’s furthest away from you to respond.

The whole time I’m just thinking, “I should’ve went with Option A and just ran her ass over.”

Cop gets out of the car.  We say our hellos.  He asks what happens.  There’s a little pause, so I decide to use this moment to fuck with her so she’ll be off her game.

“Go ahead.  Tell him what you did.”

Guys, it fucking worked.  She was reinvigorated all over again.  She’s talking fast, stumbling over words; telling him about how I must’ve been going 40mph in a neighborhood.  The works.

I thought I was going to have to defend myself, but I actually didn’t say very much at all.  The cop did most of the leg work.

He walks over to her car.  Takes a look.


“40 miles per hour?” the officer asks?  “And he did hit your car, right?”

At this point I think she realizes 40 mph was a rather generous rounding up.

“He was flying.  Maybe not 40, but he was definitely speeding.”

Now from here it got almost comical.

There was a speed bump not even 100 ft in front of where the collision happened, so the officer asks her; “so maybe not 40, but fast enough to ramp off the speed bump you’d say?”

“Sir he was driving recklessly,” she responds.

So now we’re walking over to my car to check out the damage.  Only my mirror is folded and it’s designed to do that.  It’s not cracked or scratched.  Just in it’s defensive position.  I move it back to normal to illustrate the point to her and the officer.

“You know this car weighs about 3 tons,” says the officer.  Where’s the proof that 3 tons sped into your car?

She’s just not getting it.  She continues on about how I was speeding and she wants a report.  So he continues.

“3 tons at 25 mph.  That can go through a garage door, a car door, a person.”

Then he starts explaining to her that even at 25 mph it takes about 50 feet to stop a car.  Literally trying to break through to her logical side.  But she wasn’t having it.  The officer was trying to chalk it up as a freak accident where nothing was really happened.  But she wanted the report.

Guys, do you know that this lady got herself a ticket?


For starters, your boy was right.  It was completely her fault.  Because it was a road and her car was in the parked position.  And since it was a vehicle to vehicle collision, essentially it was the equivalent of merging into traffic and hitting a vehicle with the right-of-way.  She kept claiming that she saw me speeding, but the officer eventually asked her:

“If you saw a car speeding toward you, why did you open your door?”

And not to mention he couldn’t judge the speed I was going at because he wasn’t there anyway.  He could only judge the cause of the wreck.

And then she didn’t even have her insurance present, which is illegal in the state I live in.  I walked away when she attempted to show the officer a picture of it on her phone.

Honestly, there’s not really a moral to this story.  I mean I guess other than sometimes you shouldn’t press the issue?