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Here’s a confession: I’m allergic to peanuts.

Whatever though, tons of people are.   Thing is, I’ve noticed that the cocksuckers in my social circle think that this makes me some sort of exotic animal like the panda bear or gingers.

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Like immediately upon finding out that I have a peanut allergy, people discuss it like I haven’t heard the mindless banter of I hope I don’t accidentally kill you with cookies before.  Seriously, based on how many times I’ve had to stomach peanut butter jokes with an awkward laugh and teeth grinding seethe, I’m starting to believe that everyone thinks that my life is suddenly in their hands because they now know what I’ve known for, like, all my life.  Like, I bet you’re allergic to getting knifed in the throat but you don’t see me haha’ing about it every time someone breaks out the cutlery.

And for the love of baby lotion, the number of the same inane questions is just silly.

“How do you live without peanut butter?”

“If I open this jar will you die?”

“How allergic are you to peanut butter?”

“Is it just peanut butter or peanuts too?”

“If I touch you with this peanut will you have a seizure?”

What makes it unbearable is how relevant people think it is like I just told them I can’t breathe too much oxygen or I’ll die.  Most of the time when people ask if anyone has any dietary restrictions I don’t even mention it because of how unlikely it is that peanuts are used in the main dish.  In fact, 99% of the time I don’t even mention it myself; some asshat, who happened upon the information, mentions it for me as if they’re saving my fragile little life.

I imagine my hands wrapped firmly around their throat until they expire 9 times out of 10.

So I figured I’d take some times to explain the peanut allergy, as it pertains to me.  Even though I know it won’t do anything to alleviate the dumb jokes I have to hear about how my life is just one big peanut liability.

First of all, I know what peanuts and peanut butter taste like because my allergy isn’t so severe that I go from normal to death after eating one.  And I have to say, it’s not something that I’d pepper over my Chicken Alfredo – so I’m actually not sure why people think I’ve missed the world in not being able to eat it.

Which actually brings me to my next point, taste aversion.  Look, the human body tends not fuck around when it comes to things that will kill you.  I tell people that I don’t even like the taste and they look at me like I just said fuck babies.

Like, no joke, my body has pretty much set up a 5 tier defense system against peanuts.  And I’m talking about the five sense here.  Taste is the obvious first tier, because it actually makes sense that I would be averse to the taste of an eternal exit from this world.  And there’s literally a skin test, where they smear peanuts or peanut butter on you and then prick you and see if you break out in that area.

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So the sense of touch has me covered as well.  Hearing is a bit harder to actually justify, now that I think about; but imagine with me – if you will – the sound of a butter knife stirring peanut butter, glop glop glop.  Like the sound of mayonnaise or ketchup being plopped down onto bread.  Make you cringe?  Maybe it’s just me.

Smell is probably the most intense though.  If there is something in the room with peanut in the recipe I can usually tell.  For real.  If someone is eating Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, I actively put distance between myself and them, like America did with Ebola patients during that ridiculous scare. And lastly, no joke, I don’t really like to even look at peanut butter; to me, it resembles whipped shit.  And that’s not really an aesthetic turn on for me.

But forget about all that.  The thing I want to impress upon these shitheads the most is how it’s so unlikely that I’ll be killed by peanut butter.  Like, yes, if I keep eating it … I’ll probably die.  But someone once used a knife to smear peanut butter, rinsed it, and then cut something that I was eating and I could still taste it.  And know what?  I didn’t keep eating it.  So the dip shit joke about poisoning me with peanut butter “hahaha” that I’ve heard a million times…

Anyway, I’m done ranting about the stupid peanut and stupid peanut butter and stupid peanut and peanut butter jokes.

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