You know those days where life throws you a curveball so severe that you can’t help but laugh at yourself and what’s become of you? Yeah, well I do. For whatever reason, I seem to have many of those days; I’m staying optimistic and assuming that everyone gets their fair share of bad luck, and I’m just getting all my bad days out of the way. Decrepitude and old age should be a breeze. Point being, sometimes laughter is the best — and only response.
Which makes me think of a joke I heard once. I’ll remember here, for your entertainment, as best i can:
A man went to the doctor and said, “Doctor, I’ve got a problem, but if you’re going to treat it, first you’ve got to promise not to laugh.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” the doctor said. “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
“I’m so sorry,” he said. “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won’t happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?”
Alright fine, I’ll get to the point — I get that my humor is pretty droll at times.
So once upon a time, I was craving Coco Puffs. Yes, that’s right the cereal. It was a phase in my life when I ate the breakfast treat at all times of the day — but especially in the afternoon — because I tend to munch when I’m bored. So here I am, looking in my pantry only to find that lo! I was out of Coco Puffs.
It was a miserable situation … Okay, it was a rather unfortunate situation and it meant that I needed to make a run.
Now I’m standing in Walmart. Somehow, I’ve found myself detoured from the promised land of cereals and I’ve stumbled into the lotion aisle. No specific purpose in mind. Sometimes I have dry skin, so I like to browse the latest greatest moisturizer products. I see a wet floor sign and — what appears to be — a puddle of water. I think nothing of it. I’ve never been afraid of a spill, and I’ve never let a sign tell me what to do with my life. I do what I want!
So I trek on, bravely into the unknown. An old lady followed closely behind, with her shopping cart full of goodies. And then I hit it.
What I originally thought to be a puddle of water, was — in fact — a puddle of disaster, lurking, waiting, watching; I was totally unprepared as I stepped into the spillage, quickly becoming familiar with what it really was, learning in a matter of fact kind of way that it was actually a cesspool of Johnson Johnson’s Baby Oil.
For anyone reading, who doesn’t know what it’s like to walk on Walmart tile floors that have been besprinkled with the oil for babies, the saying “slick as snot” might paint a wonderful picture.
Things got bad from there. As I was break dance slipping to the floor I realized the meaning of the old saying, “A drowning man will clutch at straws.” And to expand on that, a slipping man will grasp at baskets. The poor old woman behind me didn’t even know what she was being pulled in to. Grabbing her basket, really only furthered the problem because instead of offering the stability that I needed to stop my fall, it only pulled the shopping cart out of her control and brought her into the baby oil.
The shopping cart flies into the body wash shelves knocking down racks and everything it hit really, the lady fell, as did I. And in the end, we were both covered in Johnson Johnson.
Never got my Coco Puffs.
Come to think of it, I don’t eat Coco Puffs very often anymore.
In the words of famous poet Charlie Straight,
“Sometimes I fall.”