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I was getting an oil change just this very morning.  It’s always funny; they come back rattling off all these you shoulds and we recommends, talking about check engine lights, possible break downs, etc., while I’m just sitting there like, “Easy mechanic guy.  I’m just here for an oil change.”  Let’s not go jumping to conclusions, right?  Anyway while the car was being serviced I decided that today I’d wait at the dealer, which is out of character for me because I usually have the patience of a shaken wasps’ nest.  The whole time I was sitting there like I wonder what my couch is doing right now.

But whilst waiting in this rather dapper establishment, homeboy walks in with a toddler.  Immediately, I cringed.  Now I’m not saying that I hate children because I don’t.  But I do, however, believe that they are little concentrated bodies of evil  — and that becomes quickly evident when they’re brought into an environment where adults are awkwardly waiting together.  In this specific waiting room, the dealership had set up a little kids station in the corner equipped with little puzzles, building blocks, an alphabet floor mat where you fit the letters into place, and other miscellaneous items to distract a little monster, should it appear unexpected.  Well, today was the day.

He was bored of that small containment zone in a matter of minutes.

From there, he turned his attention to more entertaining toys; toys that could respond and react to his malign purposes; he turned his attention to us — the poor people who were waiting for their cars.  He wasn’t trapped in there with us … We were trapped in there with him.

All of us smiled and played along and handed him toys, remaining civilized.  But as we made casual eye contact with one another, while he devastated the peace and quiet, each of us understood how the others were feeling; we wished this mother f**ker would sit the f**k down and shut the f**k up, for a few mother f**king seconds.  However, our rage wasn’t directed at the child so much as the parent who allowed this nonsense to happen.

Someone told me that the problem with this world is the intelligent people are doubtful of themselves while the naive are full of confidence.

It seems that decency is a highbrow quality to have these days.  It’s amazing how many people will walk right into you inattentively and just keep going about their day.  I don’t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punch them in the throat.  Let’s just take, for example, my time spent working at Cinemark theaters.

I was a humble usher for the theater; which meant that my job was to maintain the establishment, not just after the movie had ended but during.  Many people — these days — find those preludes to the trailers that tell people to turn off their phones and not talk during the film are annoying.  And yet you might be astonished at how many people I had to kick out during the show for being disruptive.  And I’m not talking about the occasional comment here and there about the movie; hell, the theater experience is about watching a film around other people, of course you’re supposed to know they’re there.

But when you’re yelling, “I just came” after every intense action scene, or telling stories of your own during the quiet parts — you’ve got to go.  If your tale doesn’t end with, “But his eyebrows will eventually grow back,” it can freaking wait!

However, the most indecent thing I had to deal with while working there was sex in the theater.  Yes, sex. in. the. theater.  Like, why wait right?  That’s what those boring ass civilized people do.

The look on this poor moms face when she had to tell me that she wanted her money back for the movie because these … [she stuttered to find the right words.  I imagine she wanted to say:] monsters were having sex in the back.  It was absolutely one of the most awkward things I had to have told to me, partly because I wanted to crack up laughing, but also W-T-F to that?

So i go to check things out and as soon as I open the door, despite the rumbling of the theater bass, I can hear what sounds like some guy just jackhammering the holy spirit out of some girl.  We’re talking the kind of sex you’ll need a “get well soon” card after.  In that moment, I realized … I wasn’t at all prepared for this.

I tried making as much noise down by the doors to see if they’d stop out of the fear of being caught, but nope.  That was a couple with a mission.

Needless to say, i got my boss and that was one of the times where we stopped the movie and turned on the overhead lights to kick someone out.  Fortunately, this was a movie that nobody wanted to see, except that poor mom and her daughter (if I remember correctly.)

If ignorance really was bliss we’d have a lot more really happy people around here.

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